Usually when I start these blogs, I have something positive to say. Today I am remembering my Grandma Nancy for on July 2, 2013 God has called her back to heaven. As you can see from the picture above, this is exactly how I felt when I found out my grandma passed away. I felt hurt, sad, and even livid for the fact that she was taken so early in her life.
From the time I was little, me and my grandma were the best of pals. She taught me how to pray, how to laugh, and even how to argue. I can recall her being the best grandma and viewed her as indestructible and invincible. When I was 12 years old, I went to live with my grandma. She taught me how to cook, clean, and always keep up with my health and education. She was my second mother. She supported me in anything I wanted to do, even if she did not agree with it for a while. She taught me not to be kusco (greedy) for food, for everyone was welcome in her home to stay and to eat. She loved me with all her heart and nothing could separate us. At the age of 20, I moved away to Las Vegas, NM to finish my degree. This decision, even though some say I should not regret, I do at times. I always think what if I never left, she would probably still be alive. My grandma was not taken care of properly and for that she suffered greatly.
The last time I spoke with my grandma was two weeks before she passed. I had told her that I was hired as a 5th grade teacher for a Charter School here in Phoenix. She was beyond proud of me, she told me, "Good for you hita!" We said our I love yous and our goodbyes for this was the last time we would ever speak over the phone.
I cannot describe enough how much my heart hurts...
I understand those who have lost loved ones can relate but the loss of my grandma will forever be embedded in my heart and mind to know that I cannot just pick up the phone and call her anymore. I can't just go home to Questa and sit with her and spend time with her. I can't bring her back.... As I write this I am crying and am shifting back and forth trying to bring myself to the reality that she is truly gone.
I talk to her still. I make jokes and ask questions of her. Even though I don't get an answer back, I know she's listening. She's sitting next to me with her hand on my head pushing my hair back and praying for me. Part of me keeps saying that she is at peace and is no longer suffering. The selfish half of me wants her here still, not suffering the way she was before I left for Highlands.
In closing, I want to thank all of you who were there for my grandma, who gave her the love and respect that she needs. Also, I want to thank you all for helping my family and myself get through this hard time. Thank you for all of your prayers and condolences. From my experience this week, I still know that I have a home in Questa, not a physical home but family and friends to welcome me back. As for all my friends and family whom I have made along the way, I thank you all so much for being here for me. I love you all with all my heart and know that if any of you need anything know that I will be there for you. Thank you everyone....
Love Always and Forever,
Amber Jade Benavidez
Rest In Peace Gramita, I know you're looking down on me and protecting me. I love you....
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